Tigger, come home!

The Baby-sitters Club #25: Mary Anne and the Search for Tigger

I know I’ve made it clear before that I’m not an animal person, so I’m just going to assume that losing a cat is this traumatic. Because sweet Peaches, the way MA carries on, you’d think she just lost her only remaining parent. Although actually, considering that parent is Richard, she probably wouldn’t care that much.

So MA is totally obsessed with her cat, and I think we can all see foreshadowing of her future as a crazy spinster cat lady once Logan finally comes out of the closet his sophomore year of college. She lets him (Tigger, not Logan) play outside one Friday afternoon while she goes to a BSC meeting, then comes home and can’t find him. Quelle horror! She freaks out and runs all over the house looking for him, then Richard comes home and indulges her paranoia for a few minutes by helping her look outside with flashlights (really? They need flashlights at 6:30 pm at a time of year when it’s warm enough in Connecticut to ride bikes and sit outside all afternoon? I call bullshit. Also, even if it is dark, don’t they have outdoor lighting and streetlights? Are “torches that could light up New York City” really necessary? No.) Finally Richard is all “MA, I don’t care about your cat anymore. Get inside and fix me dinner.” Except not in so many words. He’s just like “I’m sure the kitten is fine. He’s been missing for less than 2 hours. Back to your lives, citizens.”

So they go about their business for the rest of the evening, but he’s still not back by the time MA goes to bed and she can’t sleep and keeps waking up hearing phantom meowing. Well, at least she’s well-prepared for motherhood. Or so my parental friends tell me. I wouldn’t know. I’m a big fan of uninterrupted sleep.

The next morning she tells Kristy, and Kristy calls an emergency meeting of the BSC in one hour at Claudia’s house. Um, shouldn’t somebody check with Claudia about that? Also, must be nice to have a brother with no life who can drive you anywhere you want to go on a moment’s notice. Do you think Charlie grew up, moved to NYC, and became a cabbie? Nah, he’s too polite. He would never give me attitude about needing to go to Brooklyn (Open note to all cabbies: Fort Greene is right over the damn bridge and the law says you have to take me there. Give me lip=no tip. Okay, that sounds dirty. Never mind.) Anyway, back at the ranch…

The girls concoct some sort of “Lost Kitten” poster and advertise a reward made up of all the money they can scrape together: $30. Listen to the amounts they have to contribute:

Jessi: $4.00

Claudia: $3.50

Mal: $5.50

Dawn: $2.00 (she just bought earrings)

Kristy: $5.64

MA: $4.75

Plus $4.61 from the club treasury.

I’m sorry, but WTF do they do with all their baby-sitting money (other than buy earrings, obvi)? Or do they never get paid? Or does all their money go towards some sort of “Club Legal Defense Fund” because I have a feeling they get sued a lot for things like losing kids and running uninsured softball teams? I baby-sat all the freaking time when I was in 8^th grade, and I was regularly flush with cash. I was probably pulling in a hundred bucks a week, easy. What the hell are they spending all theirs on? Of course, apparently my clients paid a lot better than theirs, considering Mr. Prez only thought taking his kid to the hospital was worth $20, while I got $20 one Sunday afternoon when I never even saw the kids. I was there for 4 hours and the kids were at friends’ houses the entire time.

Anyway, Kristy then volunteers her mother to drive all the way to her office in Stamford on a Saturday night to make personal copies on her office’s photocopy machine, which I’m pretty sure most employers consider a form of theft (not that this stops me from doing exactly the same thing), but seriously girls? And also, seriously, Elizabeth? Don’t you have a new child at home? Why are people always accommodating these girls ridiculousness? If I told my mother she needed to drive an hour on Saturday night to steal from her employer so my friend could find her lost cat, my mother would have been like “Bitch, please.” And she would have been right. Also, why not just ask Richard?

Also, Mary Anne calls Logan in a panic about the missing Tigger and then gets all pissy when Logan’s response is not quite as dramatic as she’d hoped. Seriously, MA. Shut it.

So the next day they all gather and put up the signs that Kristy’s sainted mother photocopied. Some kid tells MA he saw Tigger, but it turns out he’s just making it up because he wants the money. Also, why doesn’t Tigger wear a collar with tags on it? Is that not something that you make cats wear? I’m honestly asking because I have no idea. My family’s dog wore a collar with our phone number on it for just such an occasion.  Isn’t that normal?

Then on Monday, MA gets an anonymous ransom note demanding $100 if she ever wants to see her cat alive again. What is it with MA getting anonymous notes (and being a dingbat about it)? The BSC plus Logan meet and decide to pretend to make the money drop, then hide and watch who comes to get it. Think of every episode of a ridiculous detective show, drop the sophistication factor by 27, and you’re somewhere near the level of these idiots. Turns out the ransom-noter is the same kid who talked to MA while they were hanging up posters, except now he’s decided to be greedier. Logan talks all tough and scares the kid off. Still no Tigger.

Meanwhile, MA had baby-sat on Saturday for the younger Brunos, Kerry and Hunter. Hunter is pretty much allergic to everything under the sun, and his allergies have been acting up, so he can’t talk right and all his m’s are b’s and he can’t pronounce the letter n, and it’s pretty much super-annoying to read, following in the vein of my well-documented impatience with children who can’t talk properly. Anyway, she goes to baby-sit just Hunter again on Wednesday, and while she’s there, he reveals that Kerry has been hiding a kitten in her closet. Que sorpresa! It’s the missing Tigger. MA goes bonkers.

MA totally rats out Kerry when Mrs. Bruno gets home, but then MA freaks out because she thinks Logan knew all along that Kerry had “kitten-napped” Tigger (blech.) She runs away and ignores Logan for a few days like the passive-aggressive pain in the ass she is. BTW, Kerry gets some half-hearted punishment because her parents understand that she did what she did because she’s lonely because she doesn’t have any friends and she’s mad that Hunter’s allergies prevent her from having a pet, but then her parents decide to let her get a turtle or something, and the BSC promises to introduce her to Becca and Charlotte, and suddenly I guess everything’s coming up roses.

Finally, Mary Anne asks Logan to come over and they have to sit outside because Richard’s rule is that MA cannot have a boy in the house when Richard is not there. Hahaha. My parents had the same rule. Clearly Richard doesn’t know that Logan is gay. Although, Logan does act all pissed that he can’t come inside. Like, honestly Logan, even if MA did let you come in, do you really think she would put out? If that’s what you’re after, I have 2 words for you: Cokie Mason. Anyway, they have a heart-to-heart about how she thinks he’s been treating her like shit lately, even though I think he’s been behaving totally fine, and she is just a crazy-needy bitch. He’s been preoccupied because the baseball coach is a jackass who doesn’t like Logan and yells at him in front of the whole team which makes him nervous so he doesn’t play well, and then the coach told him that he’ll be kicked off the team if he doesn’t start playing better. Really? Do most junior high coaches behave like this? I mean, my cheerleading coach did, but she was just kind of a bitch. Anyway, they promise to be more honest with each other.  Ah, young love. Between a girl and her cat, I mean.