The Baby-sitters Club #39: Poor Mallory!
Ah, yes, another ridiculous Mallory book about labor relations. Except this time, she deals with lay-offs and poor money management, instead of going on freaking strike because her parents expect her to help out around the house.
We open with Mallory giving like a 3 page discourse on use of the word “dibble” which is obviously the dumbest word ever. It’s like “Stop trying to make “fetch” happen, Karen” (tm Regina George). Dibble this, Mallory.
So Mr. Pike, the corporate lawyer, gets laid off. I’m just calling it like it is. This whole book they make a huge deal about him being “fired” so I’m just going to state here and now that he is NOT fired. He is laid off. He gets a pink-slip. It’s cutbacks. He’s let go. Fired would be if he f-ed up a big account then told his boss to f-off (which is something I personally dream about on a daily basis. I mean for me, not for Mr. P.) His company is downsizing. They let a ton of people go all in one day. THAT’S NOT FIRING. God, Ann M. Get it together. Given how many people I know these days who’ve been both fired and laid off, I think I know the difference.
Anyway, the Pikes, all 10 of them, pretty flip their shit at this development. I mean, it’s not great news or anything, but come on. It’s not the end of the world, unless the Pikes are as irresponsible with their money as they are with their parenting. They do seem to spend and awful lot of money on vacations and multiple baby-sitters. That first night, after Mr. P. makes the announcement, the Pike parents enumerate the austerity measures they will be implementing (unlike students in London, the Pike children do not riot) including no extras, no new clothes, no junk food, no allowances. One of the kids is like “Should we even be eating dinner?” Geez Oh freakin’ Pete, way to scare the shit out of your kids, Pike parents. How about take it down a few notches, okay geniuses?
The Pike kids form the “Pike Club” to discuss their family’s situation. The Pike Club is full of idiots.
Showing posts with label Mallory Pike. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mallory Pike. Show all posts
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Thursday, November 12, 2009
How could Mallory ever get tired of baby-sitting?
The Baby-sitters Club #47: Mallory on Strike
Oh yes, poor, sad, put-upon Mallory. I'm pretty sure I tried to pull this strike BS when I was a kid and my dad was all "Bee-otch, please. You go on strike, I go on strike. And if I go on strike, you lose food and shelter. Shut up and do your chores." Well, I might be paraphrasing, as my upstanding, conservative, Trip-Man-ish father has never, to my knowledge, used the word "Bee-otch" in his life... but it was implied.
So SMS is hosting a "Young Authors Day" featuring a writing competition and Mal wants to win "Best overall fiction" in the sixth grade. Ok, FINE. That is totally something I would have wanted to do, too. She only has a couple of weeks to write her story (which is going to be about a girl named Tess (why do people always name their characters "Tess"? Has anyone ever even met a "Tess" in real life? I haven't.) who feels taken for granted in her family. Geez, Mal, you're really taking that whole "write what you know" adage to heart. I sincerely hope Tess is not as annoying as you though), so she knows she'll need to really work hard.
Oh yes, poor, sad, put-upon Mallory. I'm pretty sure I tried to pull this strike BS when I was a kid and my dad was all "Bee-otch, please. You go on strike, I go on strike. And if I go on strike, you lose food and shelter. Shut up and do your chores." Well, I might be paraphrasing, as my upstanding, conservative, Trip-Man-ish father has never, to my knowledge, used the word "Bee-otch" in his life... but it was implied.
So SMS is hosting a "Young Authors Day" featuring a writing competition and Mal wants to win "Best overall fiction" in the sixth grade. Ok, FINE. That is totally something I would have wanted to do, too. She only has a couple of weeks to write her story (which is going to be about a girl named Tess (why do people always name their characters "Tess"? Has anyone ever even met a "Tess" in real life? I haven't.) who feels taken for granted in her family. Geez, Mal, you're really taking that whole "write what you know" adage to heart. I sincerely hope Tess is not as annoying as you though), so she knows she'll need to really work hard.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
A locked trunk and a secret diary all add up to...a mystery for the Baby-sitters!
The Baby-sitters Club #29: Mallory and the Mystery Diary
Oh, boy, I'm about to have to admit to something pretty darn embarrassing. Apparently, I didn't always realize what a dingbat Mallory Pike is. Why, you ask? Because when I read this book again, a memory that I've apparently long suppressed came rushing back to me. Mallory opens this book prattling away in her journal. Her final line was "If only I were 13 instead of 11. Life would be a picnic." I totally stole that line! I thought it was hilarious. To be fair, I was maybe 8, tops. More likely I was 6 or 7 (I was a very advanced reader. No, seriously, I was. By the time I was 10, I read Gone with the Wind, Little Women, and Pride and Prejudice all for the first time.)
But anyway, here's what happened: I remember sitting in our basement playroom at home, mad about something, and I decided to make a "Hate List" as this was before I actually had a proper journal. So I took a piece of paper, labeled it "My Hate List" and wrote a list of things I hated, ending with "Not having Christmas at Grandma's." I don't remember any of the other things on the list. Anyway, I wrote all the things on my list and then added the line "If I only I were 13, life would be a picnic." And of course, my nosy mother found my list, laughed at it (Thanks a lot, Mom. Maybe if you'd taken me seriously as a kid, I wouldn't have felt the need to move across the country. Think about that the next time you start harping on me for my life choices) and then was like "What is this about being 13? Where on earth did you come up with that?" so I had to show her this book and then she laughed some more and then she showed my relatives my hate list, like it was just so funny, and I HATE being laughed at (I bet that was on the list!) and wow! I clearly have some residual anger, so I'm just going to move on into the book before it becomes even more blatantly obvious once again that perhaps reliving my childhood through BSC books is not the best idea, and it might be more prudent for me to relive my childhood with the help of a competent and licensed therapist.
Oh, boy, I'm about to have to admit to something pretty darn embarrassing. Apparently, I didn't always realize what a dingbat Mallory Pike is. Why, you ask? Because when I read this book again, a memory that I've apparently long suppressed came rushing back to me. Mallory opens this book prattling away in her journal. Her final line was "If only I were 13 instead of 11. Life would be a picnic." I totally stole that line! I thought it was hilarious. To be fair, I was maybe 8, tops. More likely I was 6 or 7 (I was a very advanced reader. No, seriously, I was. By the time I was 10, I read Gone with the Wind, Little Women, and Pride and Prejudice all for the first time.)
But anyway, here's what happened: I remember sitting in our basement playroom at home, mad about something, and I decided to make a "Hate List" as this was before I actually had a proper journal. So I took a piece of paper, labeled it "My Hate List" and wrote a list of things I hated, ending with "Not having Christmas at Grandma's." I don't remember any of the other things on the list. Anyway, I wrote all the things on my list and then added the line "If I only I were 13, life would be a picnic." And of course, my nosy mother found my list, laughed at it (Thanks a lot, Mom. Maybe if you'd taken me seriously as a kid, I wouldn't have felt the need to move across the country. Think about that the next time you start harping on me for my life choices) and then was like "What is this about being 13? Where on earth did you come up with that?" so I had to show her this book and then she laughed some more and then she showed my relatives my hate list, like it was just so funny, and I HATE being laughed at (I bet that was on the list!) and wow! I clearly have some residual anger, so I'm just going to move on into the book before it becomes even more blatantly obvious once again that perhaps reliving my childhood through BSC books is not the best idea, and it might be more prudent for me to relive my childhood with the help of a competent and licensed therapist.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Why are the BSC members making it so hard for Mallory to join the club?
The Baby-sitters Club #14: Hello, Mallory
Oh, if only they'd made it a little harder. So, Mal wants to join the BSC. The BSC needs to replace Stacey. (sniff. Stacey! Don't leave us!) Sounds like a match made in heaven, right? And yet if only we knew what fresh hell awaited us with every Mal-book.
But this is the first one, and we are so young, and so innocent. Much like Mal herself.
Mal is thrilled to be invited to a BSC meeting to see if she might be appropriate for the club. She dresses up for the meeting. And by dresses up for the meeting, I mean “Dresses like a 6 year old” for the meeting. I’m pretty sure that CLAIRE would know better than to wear a red jumper that says “Mallory” across the front, and white tights with red hearts on them. If I'm not mistaken, my mother made me wear a similar outfit, for my PRE-SCHOOL CLASS PHOTO. And even then I knew better. If you can’t remember your name without looking in the mirror, you have no business baby-sitting.
Oh, if only they'd made it a little harder. So, Mal wants to join the BSC. The BSC needs to replace Stacey. (sniff. Stacey! Don't leave us!) Sounds like a match made in heaven, right? And yet if only we knew what fresh hell awaited us with every Mal-book.
But this is the first one, and we are so young, and so innocent. Much like Mal herself.
Mal is thrilled to be invited to a BSC meeting to see if she might be appropriate for the club. She dresses up for the meeting. And by dresses up for the meeting, I mean “Dresses like a 6 year old” for the meeting. I’m pretty sure that CLAIRE would know better than to wear a red jumper that says “Mallory” across the front, and white tights with red hearts on them. If I'm not mistaken, my mother made me wear a similar outfit, for my PRE-SCHOOL CLASS PHOTO. And even then I knew better. If you can’t remember your name without looking in the mirror, you have no business baby-sitting.
Monday, April 20, 2009
The Arnold twins aren't just bad--they're double trouble!
The Baby-sitters Club #21: Mallory and the Trouble with Twins
Oh, I so wanted to be a twin when I was a kid. But now that I look back on it, I would have been a horrible twin. I don't share well. I'm kind of a self-centered bitch and I'm definitely an attention whore (but a lovable one!) To this day, I hate being given the same present as my sister, who's only three years younger than me (yes, I'm also an ungrateful bitch. I am infamous in my family for being unable to keep disgust and disappointment off my face on Christmas morning.) That said, while I understand and sympathize with the twins' desire for individuality, I pretty much hate everyone in this book. The twins are just annoying, their mother is a wanna-be Mrs. Prezzioso with none of Mrs. P's charm, and of course, there's my old nemesis, Mallory Pike. We all knew that sooner or later I'd have to write about Mal, but in the interest of not repeating myself, I'll try to keep my loathing mostly to myself.
Okay, so Mal gets a regular sitting job for the Arnold twins, Marilyn and Carolyn. Right away, I hate their parents. So the twins are nice enough at first, but then Mal has to go and be all "Oh, aren't you two just the cutest little things! You look exactly the same and it's so darling, blah, blah, blah" which of course the twins don't want to hear, because what 8-year-old does, twins or not? I mean, I went through a phase for about 4 years where I yelled at anyone who called me cute. I did not want to be cute, I wanted to be cool. DUH, Mal. So the twins take off their name bracelets (again, I hate their parents) and proceed to talk in their own language and completely disregard any and all instructions Mal attempts to impose. They are annoying, but since it's Mallory they are harassing, I am slightly more inclined to be on their side. If it were my beloved Stacey they were harassing, I'd kick their asses from here to next Thursday. But then, it wouldn't have taken Stacey the entire stupid book to figure out how to deal with them.
Oh, I so wanted to be a twin when I was a kid. But now that I look back on it, I would have been a horrible twin. I don't share well. I'm kind of a self-centered bitch and I'm definitely an attention whore (but a lovable one!) To this day, I hate being given the same present as my sister, who's only three years younger than me (yes, I'm also an ungrateful bitch. I am infamous in my family for being unable to keep disgust and disappointment off my face on Christmas morning.) That said, while I understand and sympathize with the twins' desire for individuality, I pretty much hate everyone in this book. The twins are just annoying, their mother is a wanna-be Mrs. Prezzioso with none of Mrs. P's charm, and of course, there's my old nemesis, Mallory Pike. We all knew that sooner or later I'd have to write about Mal, but in the interest of not repeating myself, I'll try to keep my loathing mostly to myself.
Okay, so Mal gets a regular sitting job for the Arnold twins, Marilyn and Carolyn. Right away, I hate their parents. So the twins are nice enough at first, but then Mal has to go and be all "Oh, aren't you two just the cutest little things! You look exactly the same and it's so darling, blah, blah, blah" which of course the twins don't want to hear, because what 8-year-old does, twins or not? I mean, I went through a phase for about 4 years where I yelled at anyone who called me cute. I did not want to be cute, I wanted to be cool. DUH, Mal. So the twins take off their name bracelets (again, I hate their parents) and proceed to talk in their own language and completely disregard any and all instructions Mal attempts to impose. They are annoying, but since it's Mallory they are harassing, I am slightly more inclined to be on their side. If it were my beloved Stacey they were harassing, I'd kick their asses from here to next Thursday. But then, it wouldn't have taken Stacey the entire stupid book to figure out how to deal with them.
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