Dawn thought having a sister was going to be fun. Was she ever wrong!

The Baby-sitters Club #31: Dawn's Wicked Stepsister

Ugh to the nth degree, Dawn. I feel for you. If I had to live with Richard, Mary Anne, and freakin' Tigger, I think I'd have fled to the West Coast far sooner than you did. Shall we examine why?

We open at the glorious nuptials of Richard and Sharon. My first question is why are the majority of the people present the BSC and the Pike triplets? Don't Richard and Sharon have any friends or family? Granny and Pop-pop are present, and I believe Richard's parents have already passed on, but are they both only children? With no cousins or anything? Or longtime friends? Apparently the guest list consists of the BSC, the Pike triplets (I guess they are like Jeff's plus one (three)?), few of the not-so-happy couple's friends from work, and Sharon's parents. That is just sad. Actually, everything about this is sad. Watson and Elizabeth's wedding was so much better. Anyway, the actual wedding took place in the previous book, which I haven't read since I was about 8 years old, so I'll save any other comments so I have something to say when I finally get around to reading it. I will simply note that this book opens with the throwing of Sharon's bouquet, which Dawn really wants to catch because she thinks she deserves it as the daughter of the bride. Ugh. Give it 15 years, Dawn, and you will be desperately hiding at the bar at your cousin's wedding while your drunk Aunt Millie steals the DJs mic so she can call you out by name to gather round with the middle schoolers who are the only other single women at the wedding, and instruct your cousin to aim the bouquet directly at you, because you are "not getting any younger." And people wonder why I drink.

But it turns out MA catches the bouquet, beating everyone down in the process (SERIOUSLY. At what wedding does anyone actually want to catch the bouquet? At every wedding I go to, everyone just stands there and lets the damn thing fall on the floor, until one of the bridesmaids finally takes one for the team and throws herself on the grenade.) Whatever. I'm all worked up over this, and it's only like the first two pages of the book.

Sharon and Richard go off on their one night honeymoon, leaving Dawn and Mary Anne to spend the final night alone in MA's childhood house. That quite shocks me. I can't imagine Richard letting MA stay alone over night. Wasn't it just recently that he finally agreed she could baby-sit past 9 pm? Especially with Granny and Pop-pop in town, or when the girls could very easily stay with any BSC member for one night. Anyway, MA and Dawn prove my misgivings correct by being dipshits who get scared by every tiny little sound in the night, and being thrilled and relieved when Richard and Sharon (Ok, that's it. They need one of those obnoxious couple nicknames, like Bennifer or something. I'm tired of typing out their full names and I just got my nails done and I don't understand how people type with these things. Seriously. How do the crabby old women at my doctor's office do it? They spend all day typing with like 4 inch talons at the end of their fingers. They probably spend a lot of time backspacing. Maybe that's why they're so crabby. Anyway, henceforth, I will refer to Sharon and Richard as Shard, because that's the best I can come up with. I welcome your better ideas.) Anyway, the girls are tremendously relieved when Shard return at 8 am the next morning (for realz, yo, this sounds like the lamest honeymoon ever.) The moving truck comes and the next thing we know, the Spiers are settling into the Schaefer's farmhouse.

I should note that my beloved Jeff is in town just for the weekend (he stays with the Pikes while Shard are away), and he is awesome as ever. He's the first one who warns Dawn she's in for a fun few weeks, and then he is "Peace OUT, yo. I am back to Cali where no one flips his shit if I don't make my bed with hospital corners, or loses her mind if you don't treat her damn cat with enough respect." Lucky, lucky Jeff.

Dawn and MA have decided to share Dawn's bedroom in the farmhouse. What is it with these books and patently stupid ideas? I'm going to have trademark that phrase, just for these recaps. Who on earth would think that is a good idea, especially when there is a perfectly acceptable guest bedroom? I watch enough Dr. Phil to know that if the girls are going to share a room, they should both move into the guest bedroom, so that they start off on even footing and it's not "MA coming into Dawn's space" or whatever. In fact, ideally they would have sold both their houses and moved the whole clan into a new house to lessen the tension. The whole "bunch of people move into a house where the rest have already been living" thing only works on the Brady Bunch. Or when one person (Watson) has a huge-ass mansion that he pretty much lives in alone (ie, it's not like the Thomas's were invading Karen and Andrew's space because they barely lived there and there's so much room there anyway.). I really need to stop spending so much time considering the psychological implications of BSC books. This cannot be healthy. Also need to spend less time watching Oprah.

So Dawn's room really doesn't have a lot of extra room, so the girls are kind of cramped and squished and MA has to keep her dresser in the guest room. Things are ok, but there's just constant awkwardness. MA and Dawn (ok, I'm tired of typing that too. Henceforth for this recap, they will be MAD.) basically have an argument at a BSC meeting because they both want the same sitting job for the Perkins (honestly, the Perkins give me a headache, they're so sickly sweet. And their dog Chewy is a pain in the ass. I can't imagine actually wanting to sit for them.) and they drag it out until Kristy calls them unprofessional and makes them draw straws. MA wins and gloats, because as I've said before, MA is pretty much a bitch (She even calls Dawn fat! WTF, MA? She's a lot healthier than you... I kind of hate Mary Anne. There, I said it. And not even just in this book. I kind of hate her all the time. I have no problem with her being a bitch, but just own it. Don't go around making people think you're all sweet and shy and sensitive, and then basically be a backstabber. I have no patience for that shit.)

The rest of the problems in the Schaefer-Spier household seem to stem from the fact that Richard is militantly tidy and regimented and Sharon is a hot mess, and nobody is willing to change or bend even the slightest bit. Honestly, I've never had much of a problem with either member of Shard, but they really just need to get it together. Did they seriously not discuss these things before they got married? They need some heavy duty counseling (paging Dr. Phil! Or they could go on the Phil Donahue show. We already know Sharon is a fan!) Richard gets up really early and makes breakfast everyday, including bacon (Bacon everyday? really? Richard strikes me as someone who would be more concerned about his saturated fat intake.) which Sharon hates and never eats. He then pretty much spends his morning following Sharon around and cleaning up after her, which Sharon hates. Then Sharon makes dinners and keeps trying to convert MA and Richard to the "healthy" way of eating, while Richard and MA just want to eat meat. I don't blame them. Brown rice and vegetables is not a meal, Sharon. But feel free to serve them on the side of a nice rare steak, and I'm sure MA and Richard would gobble them up (as would I.)

Also, one lovely Saturday morning, as Dawn is planning to "do nothing" and Sharon is planning to go shopping, Richard and MA announce that it is Spring Cleaning day and they will all be pitching in. I hate crap like that. My mom and dad used to do things like that. It drives me crazy. I never would have minded actually doing the work, but it used to tick me off when I was just told at 9 am that I would be spending the rest of the day washing the damn windows. Give a girl a little warning, ok? Anyway, there's just a constant amount of bickering and bitchery going on at the Shard/MAD house and it seems to be primarily centered on whether or not the dishes must be done as soon as one finishes eating, or can sit for a bit while one does something else. I don't care. These people are idiots. This is what pre-marital counseling is for. So you can figure this shit out in advance and no one has to write a whole book about it.

So one night the whole BSC except Dawn goes to a SMS dance. Dawn doesn't go because she doesn't have a date, which totally doesn't sound at all like Ms. Independent here. What's with the character assassination in this book? Anyway, MA the psycho-bitch totally treats Dawn like shit and brags about having a boyfriend and tells Dawn she probably has trouble finding a boyfriend because she picked up bad habits from her mom. BITCH. Dawn calls Jeff that night, and learns about Carol. I think this is the first time she's mentioned. Dawn asks Jeff about her and he tells her that he doesn't think Carol and their dad will get married because Carol goes around saying things like "I'll never marry anyone" and "The last thing I want is the responsibility of a family" which is a really nice thing to say to the child of the guy you're dating, Carol. I've never understood women who date really involved fathers but want nothing to do with their children. What's the point? There are plenty of men with no interest in a family. Go date them. I guess we know Carol changes her tune though. See, now that is a book I'd be interested in reading. What changes Carol's mind? It can't possibly be Dawn and Jeff, who, though I love them, kind of act like little shits as far as poor Carol is concerned. You'd think that the Carol who does't want a family would have run screaming in the opposite direction after spending 2 weeks chauffering the freakin' BSC all the hell over southern California. Dawn and Jeff (Deff? Jawn?) discuss the need for emotional space and both of their parents' new significant others, and I love these two together. They're so sweet. Definitely my favorite BSC sibling pair.

The shit in the Shard/MAD house finally blows up one night while MAD are doing homework. Dawn wants to play music and MA insists on absolute quiet. This is such a dumb fight. Neither of them will just go do their homework in another room. Who does homework at a desk in their bedroom anyway? We always did ours at the kitchen table. In fact, we had desks in our basement rec room that we were supposed to use to do our homework, and we never did. Anyway, the yelling finally brings Shard upstairs to mediate, and ends with Richard siding with Dawn and asking MA to be a little more flexible (UM. Pot? Meet Kettle. Y'all are black.) and Sharon siding with MA. Finally, MA flounces out, insisting she will both work and sleep in the guest room tonight, as if this is going to cause Dawn to rethink her position. Dawn is all "Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya, sista."

A few days later, Dawn has a long talk with Kristy about stepfamilies, and it's sweet. I like when these two get along because I think they have so much in common, and Kristy, for all her faults, is pretty wise in the ways of family. Dawn decides that what really needs to happen is she needs to get MA to move into her own room, but she doesn't want it to seem like she's making her move or like they can't get along, so she decides to scare her out of the room. Um, how is this better? Also, this plan is entirely contingent on your stepsister being an idiot. Is anyone that big of an idiot? So one night when Shard are gone and the girls are alone, Dawn fakes a phone call from Mallory asking her to come over, and leaves MA along in the house. Dawn sneaks into the secret passageway to pretend to be a ghost, then ring the doorbell and run away, then go back into the secret passageway and leave things in the bedroom for MA to find and think that the ghost of Jared Mullray has been there. I told you it was a stupid plan, right?  But it works, and MA insists that she cannot stay in that haunted room and must move into the guest room. No one ever seems to catch on to this, so I guess Dawn gets away with it. Whatever. I'm sure MA just wanted to stop sharing a room too.

The entire Shard/MAD family finally, finally stops acting like children and agrees to have a chore chart listing what needs to be done and when it will be done, for each "set" to cook their own food so that no one has to change their radically opposing eating habits, and for everyone to start being more honest with each other (eg, "No, Richard. I do not care for any bacon. Also, you are getting a little tubby from the amount of it you eat.") And we end with Sharon and Tigger getting along. I guess that's sort of like the BSC version of the lions lying down with the lambs (and I think that's the first time I've ever actually related the BSC to the Bible. I'm probably going to be struck down by lightning any minute here.)

In other news, there are entire chapters in this book devoted to a secondary plotline about how every single Pike gets sick or injured at the same time (including the Pike parents) and requires extra care from the BSC. It's boring and dumb, as all the Pikes are themselves. That is essentially all you need to know.