Everybody in Stoneybrook has gone beauty-pageant crazy!

The Baby-sitters Club #15: Little Miss Stoneybrook... and Dawn

Aaah, pageantry. I lived for the Miss America pageant when I was little... and by little, I mean pretty much up until I was in high school and got a car. And a life. When I was five, I met Miss Michigan at the opening of a new McDonalds in my hometown. I was beyond thrilled. She signed a picture for me and everything. I probably still have it. I'm glad as a kid I didn't realize how lame this was. I mean, think about it. I thought being a Miss Something was like the epitome of a glamorous life, but really? She was cutting the ribbon outside a new fast-food restaurant in a town no one's ever heard of. The coolness factor of getting to use the enormous scissors notwithstanding, this is not exactly Grace Kelly's lifestyle.

Okay, then. Stoneybrook pageant time! Dawn is feeling jealous because Kristy created some weird cultlike induction ceremony to welcome Jessi and Mal to the club (as replacements for Stacey. Ha! As if anyone could ever replace Stacey. Especially them.) So when Mrs. Pike calls to offer Dawn a job helping Claire and Margo prepare for the Little Miss Stoneybrook pageant, she jumps on it as a chance to show everyone that she is a special baby-sitter too.

Soon, the other baby-sitters all have special charges that they're helping: Kristy is working with the insufferable Karen, Mary Anne with Myriah Perkins, and Claudia with Charlotte Johannsen. Mallory and Jessi aren't having anything to do with the pageant because they are busy obnoxiously spouting about how above it all they are, and how pageants are sexist and size-ist and bunch of other -ists, which is true, but honestly, they're 6 year old girls. Mal is all "Oh, they'll grow up and think all they can be is a pretty face, not doctors or lawyers or anything." Hmmph. No, Mal, pageants do not produce that mindset. People produce that mindset. If their parents raise them right (not likely in the case of your little sisters, I know) they will believe that they can be anything they want to be, including beautiful. Also, Mal? Put a sock in it. You're eleven years old and you're just bitter because you have braces and no pierced ears.

Competition is fierce around the BSC, and I just realized how much time these girls seem to spend angry at each other. Or at least, with some tension in the meetings. I thought they were best friends! Of course, that's probably one of the more realistic things about these books. Lord knows there was always tension when my junior high friends and I were hanging out, but sheesh, I never realized how bitchy the BSC gets sometimes. Finally pageant day arrives and basically, everyone sucks except for Myriah and some girl named "Sabrina Bouvier."

• Claire sings the Popeye the Sailor Man song and screams "Hi Mommy! Hi Daddy! Hi Mallory! Hi-!" when she is supposed to be greeting the judge. Adios, Claire.
• Margo's talent is peeling a banana with her feet and reciting "This is the House that Jack Built." Both. At the same time. And then she eats the banana while she recites. I can't even begin to tell you how much that grosses me out. Then she doesn't answer her final question, just stands there mutely for 30 seconds until the announcer ushers her offstage. Au revoir, Margo.
• Karen sings like 27 verses of "The Wheels on the Bus." Then when asked what 3 things she would save from a fire, she answers with her blanket, her stuffed animal, and her toys. Oh, and if she can bring a fourth thing, her brother Andrew. Or her pen that writes in 3 colors. Sayonara, Karen.
• Charlotte goes onstage for her talent portion, freezes, bursts in to tears and runs backstage, where she proceeds to hyperventilate to the point where Claud has to go into the audience and get her parents to take her home (her parents didn't come running as soon as they saw her flip out? I once barfed on stage at my school Christmas concert, and my mother was in the wings in about 30 seconds flat.) Anyway, auf wiedersehn, Charlotte.

So Sabrina Bouvier wins because she is "a pageant-head" and has an unbearable stage mother (there seem to be a lot of those in CT, huh?) even though Sabrina apparently can't sing a note (she sang Moon River while wearing an evening gown and long white gloves. Sabrina Bouvier, you are no Audrey Hepburn, honey.) Myriah comes in second because she is actually a cute and talented little girl who understands performing and professionalism. She sings and tap-dances to "The Good Ship Lollipop" which I would have found unbearably twee if I were in the audience, but at least I wouldn't have thrown things or openly mocked them, as I would have any of the others (yes, I'm a horrible person who mocks children. At least I'm entertaining!) Seeing the injustice of this, the BSC learns a lesson about how pageants aren't always fair. I would think that the greater lesson is that life is not always fair, but no one points that out because Jessi and Mal are too busy saying "I told you so."
Side plot: Jeff is going back to California. Noooooo! I love Jeff! Ann Martin, you're killing me here! Jeff was never happy in CT, so finally his mom and dad work out a new custody arrangement where Jeff lives in CA with his dad and Dawn stays in CT with Sharon. No wonder Dawn is obsessed with The Parent Trap. It's really quite sad and there are some honest, realistic, and well-written moments of Dawn (and Sharon) struggling with being both angry and deeply hurt that Jeff wants to futher split up their family. Sharon is an excellent parent throughout this ordeal.
One thing that bothers me: Dawn repeatedly says how she would never go back to CA, never leave her mom alone, etc, and yet, 50 books later, it's hasta la vista, Stoneybrook! I know that her mom was remarried by then, but still, doesn't Dawn remember how painful it was for Jeff to leave? Would she really put her mother through the pain of having neither of her kids want to live with her? I know I rip on Sharon a lot, but she doesn't deserve that. I love both Dawn and Jeff, but that's a crappy thing to do, and having re-read this book, I just don't think that Dawn would do it.
Final thoughts: Kind of a downer here. This is the BSC equivalent of a Shakespearean tragedy. Life's really not fair. The Sabrina Bouviers of the world will always beat the short brunettes. The Jeffs will always have to go back to California. Wah-wah.