Only Jessi knows what's really wrong with Mary.

The Baby-sitters Club #61: Jessi and the Awful Secret

Ah, lovely. Another yawn-inducing episode of “Intrigue at the Dance Studio” starring everyone’s favorite (black) ballerina, Jessi Ramsey.

We open in the dance studio and are hit immediately with Madame Noelle’s accent and Jessi’s musings on how wonderful she is at ballet. We are also treated throughout this book to lengthy explanations of multiple ballet moves, as well as phonetic pronunciations of the French names. Forget Livemocha, I’ll just add French to the long list of things I’ve learned from the BSC. Turns out Jessi’s dance school is offering a free 6-week class to some underprivileged kids from Stamford and Mme. Noelle needs volunteers. Pretty much the whole class balks at giving up 6 weeks of their lessons to help some dumb kids, but Mme. Noelle clearly knows she’s not teaching at Juilliard, as she reminds her students that they’re probably going to end up as teachers at some point in their career (Because those who can’t do, teach. Not that I necessarily believe that, but hey, I’ve seen “A Chorus Line.” I was also one of the approximately eight people who watched Bunheads this summer. I think this qualifies me to speak on the matter.)

Jessi volunteers, obviI, and so does Mary, this other girl from her class and subject of the titular awful secret, which is anorexia. For the record, here’s my awful secret: I. Do. Not. Care. At. All. About Mary and her awful secret. Maybe if it were Katie Beth, instead of some tertiary character we’ll never hear from again. (Katie Beth is awesome. She’s the Cokie Mason of Mme. Noelle’s dance studio.) Or poor sad sack Carrie who’s about to graduate from dance school without ever having the lead in a ballet because she keeps losing out on them to our intrepid 11-year-old (black) heroine. Wouldn’t that seem like more compelling motivation for an eating disorder?

There's trouble for everyone when a TV Star comes to town!

The Baby-sitters Club #27: Jessi and the Superbrat

Yes, it’s true. I’m alive and I continue to voraciously re-read the Baby-sitters Club. Well, that’s not entirely true. I have returned to voraciously re-reading the Baby-sitters Club. Why did I get sidetracked? Well, there’s my day job, which is lame. There’s grad school, which is also pretty lame. There’s also volunteer work, travel, friends, and valiant attempts to have some sort of romantic life, since I’m hitting the wrong side of my 20s to still be living the Sex and the City single life in New York (those women were just sad. If I’m still single when I’m that old, someone just put me out of my misery.)

But alas, I cannot let all of 2010 go by without a few nods to the BSC. I love this blog, I love my readers, and most importantly I love those crazy broads from the ‘Brook.

So we’re jumping back in with Jessi and the Superbrat, #27. I don’t recall reading this as a young’n, but the more I read the more familiar it became. So either I did actually read it and somehow forgot (it was pretty boring, so that’s not entirely unlikely) or every Jessi book is just so similar that they all run together.

So this kid called Derek Masters hails from Stoneybrook and is now the star of some TGIF style sitcom, after his making his mark in the (apparently large?) Stamford, CT kiddie-model market. Because of course one goes from starring Connecticut-based toilet paper commercials to L.A. based super stardom with nothing in between. Oh, BSC-world. I’ve forgotten how magical you are.

Do wishes really come true?

The Baby-sitters Club #48: Jessi's Wish

Okay, here it is. Another one of those "Sweet baby James, I was a weird child." confessions. I loved reading books about sick kids/teenagers. I thought Lurlene McDaniel books were amazing. Not that I ever wanted to be sick or anything (I'm not that twisted), but I did go through a brief phase of wanting to be a pediatric oncologist and cure cancer. Then I realized how much I hate a) bodily fluids and b) dead things (not like people- I don't have much experience with that! but like all the dead animals that I was supposed to dissect in 10th grade biology that I never, ever touched. My partner and I just handed our little dead creature to the guys who sat behind us and let them go to town... Not like our teacher ever even noticed-he was very rarely actually in the classroom, despite (or perhaps because of?) all the scalpels being wielded by hormonal 15 year olds.)

So I remember reading this book when I was 8 or 9 and liking it as much as I liked any BSC book. And I thought that like would carry over to my re-reading, but sadly not. As much as I truly don't mean to be a heinous bitch, this book was BORING.

Ok, so Becca is a member of the Kids-Can-Do-Anything Club at SES, composed of kids ages 8, 9, and 10 who volunteer and do service projects for the community. Ok, I can get behind that, that sounds nice. But when one of their teacher moderators decides to accompany her husband on sabbatical for a month (Who the hell goes on sabbatical for a month? Isn't it normally a year? I mean, I work at a university and as far as I know, you can't get sabbatical for less than a semester.) the other one doesn't think he can handle it by himself and they're going to have to shut the club down. But Jessi to the rescue! She volunteers to take Ms. Simon's place, and Mr. Katz thinks that would be great. Um, excuse me, but seriously, Mr. Katz? You can't handle 20 kids (aren't you a freakin' school teacher?) after school by yourself, but you can with the help of an 11 year old? Am I the only one to notice that Jessi is exactly one year older than several of the club members? Does he really think they're going to accept her as an authority figure? PUH-LEEZE.

This was one sitting job Jessi couldn't resist!

The Baby-sitters Club #22: Jessi Ramsey, Pet-sitter

Okay, dear readers, fear not. I've not forgotten you. Much as I would love to read and recap the BSC full-time, the world does not see the value in this (YET) and therefore, even BSC recappers must have day jobs. And sometimes, those day jobs go haywire and take over your life.

Speaking of jobs going haywire, Jessi Ramsey has decided, against Kristy's better judgment, to take a pet-sitting job. Oh Jessi, when will you ever learn that going against Kristy's better judgment is never, ever a good idea? See, the Braddocks are out of town and Jessi's dance school is "taking a break" (um, okay? Never heard of any fancy pants dance school deciding they should just shut down for a week, but let's just roll with it, all right?) so Jessi has free afternoons for once. And it just so happens that the BSC gets a frantic call from Mr. and Mrs. Mancusi, whose pet-sitter backed out on them right before the trip of a lifetime. Kristy, remembering her experience with Buffy and Pinky, is all offended, but Jessi thinks it sounds fun and talks her into letting her take the job.

This is Dawn's replacement?

The Baby-sitters Club #68: Jessi and the Bad Baby-sitter

No, this is most definitely not Dawn's replacement. Hmmph. As if anyone could ever replace Dawn. Trust me, Jessi, both you and Mal couldn't replace Stacey, there's no way this new twit is ever going to replace Dawn. If we are even going to attempt to replace Dawn, the only acceptable Dawn substitute is Shannon Kilbourne. I have loved Shannon Kilbourne since the moment she was introduced, walking her Bernese Mountain Dog named Astrid of Greenville through the hoity-toity streets of Kristy's new neighborhood. I'm still bitter that she never really got any books of her own.

Well, the Dawn-inator has shipped out for California, despite the fact that I just don't believe she would do that. Wasn't Jeff leaving enough? Poor Sharon. Poor BSC, too, as Dawn's absense and Mallory's (as yet a) mystery illness have left them crazy-busy with business. The BSC is overwhelmed, so Jessi suggests that her new friend Wendy might want to join the club. Wendy comes to a meeting and is sort-of interviewed by Kristy, but the meeting is so busy that she doesn't really get put through the paces the way Dawn, Jessi, Mal, and even Stacey were. When Kristy Thomas wants to grill you, she can rival even Jack Byrnes from Meet the Parents. Overwhlemed and anxious, Kristy agrees to let Wendy go on a sitting job with Jessi to be evaluated before being offered a spot in the club.

Someone--or something-- is out to get Jessi!

The Baby-sitters Club #42: Jessi and the Dance School Phantom

I like puzzles, a lot. My brain just works that way. I think it’s natural then, that I like mysteries. I really do. I like trying to figure things out from clues dropped along the way. I like that “Aha!” moment. I’d like to have been a detective, except I’m pretty sure that I’d die somewhere in the middle of my first case because intellectually, I’m a pretty good problem solver, but when it comes to common sense on the ground, or even just outrunning a bad guy, I’m toast.

Jessi, apparently, is a lot like me, a sentence I never thought I’d write, considering I am neither a dancer nor black, and Jessi is one-dimensionally defined by these two traits. However, we’re not exactly the same, because this is a BSC book, so of course, despite her lack of skill and cunning, she’s not toast. Unfortunately.

Also, this is another one where the tagline on the front bears no resemblance to the story between the covers. Someone or something? Never, at any point in the story, does Jessi or anyone else think that something other-worldly is going on. Not even Dawn. So really, jacket writer, YOU LOSE.

Jessi's learning a secret language for a very special child.

The Baby-sitters Club #16: Jessi's Secret Language

So gather 'round, kiddies. Today we're going to learn a very special lesson about tolerance and acceptance of deaf kids and black people. Stoneybrook, CT is apparently a hotbed of prejudice so much that it makes my racist, homophobic, anti-feminist hometown look like Shangri-la. To be honest, I don't really have any recollection of this book. I think it might be one of the few early BSC books that I never actually read.

So Jessi just moved into Stacey's old house (sniff. Stacey! I miss you so much!) and everyone in Stoneybrook is apparently a racist except for the BSC and all of their clients. Jessi whines about it a lot. Seriously, I'm starting to see why she and Mal are best friends. (Let me just state here and now, for the record, that I know that racism exists and that it is awful. I do not mean to make light of it, and it is my heartfelt prayer that someday we will live in a world free from all forms of prejudice. That said, STFU Jessi. Your whining makes me hate you and it has nothing to do with your race.)

The BSC gets some new clients, the Braddocks. Jessi takes a regular sitting job for them and begins to learn sign language so she can care for seven-year-old Matt, who is profoundly deaf. She picks up on it in a snap, because apparently she is good at languages. For instance, she claims to have been nearly bilingual by the end of a one-week family vacation to Mexico. Um, Jessi? Being able to say "Donde esta el bano?" and "Dos cervezas, por favor" does not make one bilingual. STFU. Again. Matt and his sister Haley are new to the neighborhood and have trouble making friends, but once the BSC introduces them to other kids, they really don't seem to have much trouble. The other kids, especially the Pikes, who are far less annoying than usual in this book, think its super fun to learn sign language, and Matt is able to play sports and games with them, so really I don't understand why such a big deal was made about Matt and Haley's (who's not deaf but feels like having to look out for Matt makes the other kids think she's weird) "different-ness." Oh wait, it's so Jessi can make parallels to how she and her sister have had trouble adjusting to Stoneybrook because no one will even talk to them because they're black. And again, seriously, is Connecticut this homogenous? I've never been there, so maybe someone can enlighten me. Would there seriously not be one other black student in the entire Stoneybrook Middle School? I just don't buy this, but if someone tells me otherwise, I'll be happy to revise my stance.