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The Baby-sitters Club #27: Jessi and the Superbrat

Yes, it’s true. I’m alive and I continue to voraciously re-read the Baby-sitters Club. Well, that’s not entirely true. I have returned to voraciously re-reading the Baby-sitters Club. Why did I get sidetracked? Well, there’s my day job, which is lame. There’s grad school, which is also pretty lame. There’s also volunteer work, travel, friends, and valiant attempts to have some sort of romantic life, since I’m hitting the wrong side of my 20s to still be living the Sex and the City single life in New York (those women were just sad. If I’m still single when I’m that old, someone just put me out of my misery.)

But alas, I cannot let all of 2010 go by without a few nods to the BSC. I love this blog, I love my readers, and most importantly I love those crazy broads from the ‘Brook.

So we’re jumping back in with Jessi and the Superbrat, #27. I don’t recall reading this as a young’n, but the more I read the more familiar it became. So either I did actually read it and somehow forgot (it was pretty boring, so that’s not entirely unlikely) or every Jessi book is just so similar that they all run together.

So this kid called Derek Masters hails from Stoneybrook and is now the star of some TGIF style sitcom, after his making his mark in the (apparently large?) Stamford, CT kiddie-model market. Because of course one goes from starring Connecticut-based toilet paper commercials to L.A. based super stardom with nothing in between. Oh, BSC-world. I’ve forgotten how magical you are.

Anyway, having wrapped P.S. 163 for the season, Derek and his family return to the ‘Brook where Derek re-enters SES. Jessi starts baby-sitting for him, and acts like a complete and total doofus, confusing the real kid Derek with his TV character Waldo and plotting how she can get him to sign an autograph. Somehow though, she manages to pull herself together and they bond. Derek has trouble readjusting to school in Stoneybrook and the kids treat him differently. Girls are all lovestruck and try to tear his jacket off as a souvenir (risqué! These kids are freaking eight years old. Come on.) and the boys are jealous of all his Hollywood savoir faire or some such shit. I do not care. All in all, Derek seems like a nice kid, his brother Todd is a perfectly pleasant four year old, and his mother seems to have her act together, unlike some people, so I’m happy.

So, after a couple of false starts, including the Pike triplets being jackasses and some kid named John doing things that could seriously hurt Derek, like pushing him off the monkey bars when he’s hanging by his legs, tying his sneakers together in gym class (like seriously? How is this done? Doesn’t it take an awfully long time to untie and then retie somebody’s sneakers? I mean, not by normal standards, but by the standards of “Hey, somebody’s been messing around down by my feet for far longer than I’m comfortable with …” Little weird, right?), and throwing his lunch out the window, things calm down, the BSC helps Derek make friends, and right as everything’s coming up roses, Derek books a TV movie and the family has to move back to LA. Never mind, I might have to revise my opinion of the Masterses’ parenting. Why didn’t they just keep the kids in LA if they were still trying to book Derek on things? Why go through all this change and starting a new school and all that? They literally “moved” to Stoneybrook for three weeks. I’ve been on vacations that are longer than that.

So the BSC throws Derek a good-bye party and invite all the kids in his class over to Kristy’s house for a “breakfast party” since they can’t find a convenient afternoon or evening for the party. They have a sugar cereal bar and doughnuts (at Claud’s insistence) and fruit slices (at Dawn’s.) I’m sure the parents are going to looooove that. Hop ‘em up on sugar and send ‘em home! Also, how are all these kids free on Saturday morning? In my town, Saturday morning was the one time you could pretty much guarantee no kids would be available. Don’t any of them play soccer or take gymnastics classes or any of that good stuff? The good-byes go well, and Derek admits that “John” who allegedly picked on him was actually him picking on other kids because he felt weird. Um, the hell? That was some serious shit! Nobody called him on this? Jessi’s just like “Oh, that must have been terrible. You shouldn’t do that.” And I’m like “That kid is a lying little bastard! He even pretended to have a bump on his head from after John pushed him off the monkey bars. Some other kid in his class probably has an untreated concussion! No wonder nobody likes him. They probably only came to the party for the free doughnuts.” Side note: If you are ever having a party with free doughnuts, let me know. I would totally come.

Side plot! The fabulous Madame Noelle makes a grand appearance, encouraging her students and especially Jessi, to try out for Swan Lake at the Stoneybrook Civic Center. Once again we are treated to poetic waxing about how the Stoneybrook Civic Center productions get reviewed by NYC papers and Jessi will be competing against all these NYC dancers “just like A Chorus Line!” which 1) is a fabulous musical and the first one I ever saw on Broadway when I moved here but 2) is not even close to anything that the ridiculous Jessi Ramsey will ever encounter. Stop flattering yourself, dipshit.

Speaking of flattering herself, Jessi then decides, in consultation with Derek, that she might want to become a model (on the thriving Stamford, CT tween modeling scene, natch) and starts calling all these agents and whatnot. I’m sorry, doesn’t this EXACT SAME PLOTLINE occur in the Cali Super Special when she visits Derek? Lordy, does this girl ever learn? Could we at least get an original plot somewhere? In the end, it turns out she was only interested in modeling because she was nervous that she wouldn’t get a part in Swan Lake so she was trying to pretend it didn’t matter but it did and when she gets cast (of course) as a swan in the corps (not the lead?! Gasp! I wonder if poor sad Hilary tried out!) she decides, you guessed it, ballet is her one true love. Yawn.

And that’s our story for tonight! Welcome back, and keep checking in for updates. I promise they’ll be coming!